I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
