she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
