Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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