Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize