Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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