you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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