yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
