there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
