please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
