So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
