so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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