I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
