I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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