Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
