Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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