Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
