We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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