Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
