Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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