I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
