you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
