also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
