I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
