He is like the real live version of the state fair..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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