I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
