she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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