haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
