We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How does one acquire holy water?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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