Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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