Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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