im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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