my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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