I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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