Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
