I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My balls are so social today.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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