There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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