Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
