Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
