You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
