Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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