Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
