fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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