I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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