I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
