so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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