Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize