Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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