A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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