bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
