Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
