i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
