Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
