went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So much rum. So many feels.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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