every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
