got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
