stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
