i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize