we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
