if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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