what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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