weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
