I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there's paper in my vomit.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
