Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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