So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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