did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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