i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
