But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
