So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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