I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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