Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
