seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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